


Lie to the Truth

by pyrexhp



Series: The Ballad of Me and My Brain [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Bang Chan is Bad at Feelings, Bang Chan is Whipped, Changbin Ships it, Fluff, Gay Awakening, Internalized Homophobia, Lee Felix (Stray Kids) is a Sweetheart, M/M, Minho is a good friend, Sleepy Cuddles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 18:54:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25940185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyrexhp/pseuds/pyrexhp
Summary: As much as he would like, epiphanies like the one Bang Chan had don’t just vanish, and they’re only the tip of the iceberg.(or where Chan needs to know why Felix isn't as touchy with him as he is with the other members)
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Series: The Ballad of Me and My Brain [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1882645
Comments: 43
Kudos: 374





	Lie to the Truth

**Author's Note:**

> Title is based on [Lie to the Truth](https://open.spotify.com/track/1V4EEOVaAPlQ6Wq9cMQTKo?si=zlSGX9sqTTOSwWU_mnChcQ) by The Young Veins.
> 
> Hi!! This is my first Stray Kids fic so please bear with me. I wanted to thank [bindaetteokgirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bindaetteokgirl/pseuds/bindaetteokgirl) for the immense support and help she gave me every step of the way while creating this fic: from coming up with the idea , to inspiring me to keep going and finally beta-ing it. If it weren't for her, this fic would most certainly not exist. Thank you so much lovely!!
> 
> That said, I hope you enjoy!!

Felix is clingy.

This should not be, by any means, news to Stray Kids’ leader. The man has eyes, and they’re always on his members. He’s not blind: he can see Felix draping himself all over Hyunjin, his whole body almost on top of him as they lay on the practice room’s floor after practicing Levanter for what felt like the twentieth time that day. He sees him nuzzle Jisung’s neck as their so-called squirrel sleeps soundly on his lap, legs straddling his thighs. Chan often finds him hugging Changbin from behind, chin resting comfortably on his shoulder, or sandwiching Minho in a cuddle pile alongside Jeongin; even sat between Seungmin’s legs, his back against his chest and pale arms wrapped around his tiny waist as they watch a video on Felix’s phone. 

So, really, the leader is well acquainted with the fact that the other australian in Stray Kids is pretty clingy. 

Was it that Chan never truly acknowledged it? It must be, because it hit him harder than a truck that Cursed day when they recorded One Kid’s Room and he heard the words coming out of the group’s mouths:

 _“He rubbed his head on my belly like this, and one time he came up to me and just bit my thigh out of nowhere,”_ Minho. _“Oh, if Felix says something serious, that night he has to sleep hugging that person,”_ Changbin and Seungmin. _“Oh! It happened to me at the hotel. The night we talked for four hours, we ended up hugging on the bed like this,”_ Hyunjin. And every single member agreed.

Chan remained silent.

_Felix is clingy._

Felix has deep conversations with the other members and then cuddles them to sleep. He goes up to them and acts cutely, making as much physical contact as he can. He willingly hugs them for hours, despite how hot it gets, despite the predatory eyes and camera lenses from fans trying to capture that sacred moment of touch.

Felix is _really_ clingy with everyone.

Everyone except Chan himself.

“That’s intriguing,” the words leave his mouth before he can as much as think about what he’s saying. His brain barely registers that they’re in front of a camera at this point. “I’ve never seen Felix doing something like that before.”

He even tried to lighten it up with a small laugh but he’s absolutely _baffled_. He stays mostly quiet for the rest of the recording, too deep in his own thoughts to pay attention to where the conversation had drifted. No matter how much he loves to take any opportunity to talk dearly about his members, he really can’t escape his own brain right now.

Why isn’t Felix like that with him?

Does Chan smell bad? Not that his ‘natural smell’, as many call it, is intolerable; nothing of the sorts. He is actually very sensitive to smells, so he appreciates people caring about sporting a good smell and therefore finds it an important asset when it comes to being around others - especially the ladies. He is a big fan of the fragrance of his perfume, and he wears tons of it on the daily, so that probably isn’t the reason. Does he sweat too much? To be fair, his hormones were never the kindest. But it can’t be that, not when he’s seen Felix hanging like a koala from Hyunjin’s drenching body, not minding one bit the wet contact. Is he too awkward? Well, that one he can’t deny. He’s worked deeply on improving his physical affection with the members. Maybe he once used to feel a bit uncomfortable by the overwhelming clinginess from most members and yes, he definitely had to ask them to please give him his space more than once, but that was ages ago! He swears he’s a different man! Does Felix know that? He must know, right?

Amidst the utter chaos that is his mind, and avoiding Minho’s questioning stares, Chan ends up deciding to ask Felix later. He _is_ the leader after all, and he’s always preached about communication. So that should be the proper way to go about this, right?

Except he forgets.

He genuinely, actually forgets about the whole entire thing when the group gets back to the dorm and as soon as they step a foot inside, Jeongin yells _“Movie night!”_ and everyone cheers and scatters too quickly to be caught by the human eye. Felix and Hyunjin are over at the kitchen preparing snacks, Changbin, Seungmin and Jeongin take it upon themselves to choose a movie and this time Jisung is the one in charge of hiding Chan’s laptop so he doesn’t have an excuse to not sit down and relax with them. 

It didn’t even take much coating for the leader to agree and join his group - after how hard they’ve been working, he believes they deserve a shared relaxing night like this. Let’s not ignore the fact that it also helps him avoid the Very Unwanted talk Minho was bound to have with him, being the only one that noticed how far away from home his mind was today during their schedules.

And so the eight boys find their places surrounding the tv - they’ve always fit together like a puzzle. On the couch, Chan finds himself trapped between Minho (that _bastard_ , as soon as he saw the chance, he took it. Chan felt like a scared bunny trapped under the terrifying claws of a wolf, which is funny, seeing that according to STAY, their roles should be completely reversed) and the right armrest. Next to Minho can be found a hyper Jisung, big smile plastered on his face at the prospect of a cozy night with his best friends, and found between him and the left armrest is Hyunjin, whose legs were elegantly propped on top of Jisung and Minho’s laps. Under Hyunjin and on the floor is Changbin, his back resting against the couch and Jeongin between his open legs, sucking on a lollipop. Changbin had sneakily wrapped his buff arms around Jeongin’s waist and had buried his head in his neck, taking advantage of this rare occasion - the bratty maknae rarely allowed the members to cuddle him like this during movie night. Next to them and right under Minho and Jisung’s predatory hands laid two bowls of popcorn (that will absolutely, definitely, one hundred percent _not_ end up on their laps) and a full bottle of Coke and no, they do not use glasses and they all drink from the same bottle, and yes, you’re allowed to frown upon them. 

Finally, in between Chan’s legs and joining Changbin and Jeongin on the floor was Seungmin with a lapful of Lee Felix, pressed back to his chest, just how the leader has found them many times before. As he watches them he frowns confusedly, an uneasy feeling settling in his stomach when it all comes back to him again: he was supposed to talk to Felix about the whole You’re Clingy With Everyone But Me, Please Touch Me issue. 

Not that he wants to be specifically coddled by his _male_ member. He just wants to understand _why_ . Nothing’s wrong with needing an explanation sometime, right? Maybe a little reassurance. That’s all Chan needs. He doesn’t want to be the one with a lapful of Felix right now, _no_ , he just needs to know why Felix doesn’t choose _him_ to sit his perky butt on.

Jeongin presses play on the remote and throws it to the side carelessly as the opening of Pokémon: The Beginning plays. Everyone hums along to the catchy opening song.

“Hey, isn’t this supposed to be movie night?” Hyunjin spoke up. “This is the series.”

“Yeah, we know,” Seungmin replied without taking his eyes off the screen, chin pressing slightly on Felix’s shoulder. “Innie hasn’t seen it though, and wanted to check for himself if Changbin’s Pikachu impression is as accurate as he claims it to be. He was acting cute, we couldn’t say no to him.”

Hyunjin seems to accept Seungmin’s reply as silence takes over the members and they all focus on the tv, occasionally munching on popcorn, passing the bottle and taking a swig, burping audibly (followed by a hiss: “ _Manners!”_ which tended to come far too frequently from Chan’s corner) or giggling because of how insanely cute the Pokémon are. During the first episode, Changbin makes sure to show everyone his Pikachu impression and Jeongin’s surprised by how much it actually sounds like the original thing. Around the fifth, Jisung massages Hyunjin’s thighs and legs as they both slowly fall asleep, heads resting against the couch. Soon enough, Jeongin’s snores fill the room alongside the sounds of a battle between Ash and Team Rocket (and Pikachu is absolutely killing it, as per usual). Changbin’s snores follow suit. 

By the time Ash’s Butterfree has found its mate, which Chan recollects should be around the twentieth episode of season one, almost everyone in the room has fallen asleep. 

Everyone but (Of Fucking Course) Lee Minho himself. 

Chan knows none of them is _actually_ paying attention to what’s going on in the tv. He knows Minho is trying to find a way to bring up whatever it is he needs to bring up to their leader, and that eventually he’ll let a resigned sigh escape his lips and he’ll ask quite straightforwardly. He knows that Minho knows he knows. 

That thought alone confuses him.

But really, Minho shouldn’t worry about a thing! Chan is perfectly fine. Just because he spent one day a little bit out of it, that doesn’t mean he’s having a hard time in any way; he is, in fact, not having a hard time at all. Yes, Felix is not as clingy with him as he is with the rest of the group. So what? There’s probably an eloquent enough reason behind it and whatever it is, Chan should absolutely respect it. Of course he’d like to know, but he isn’t about to beg for answers. He’s gonna take whatever Felix gives him and-

“Okay, what the fuck is up with you today?” 

“There it is. As straightforward as I expected,” Chan said with a knowing smile. He could feel Minho’s eyes on him, and he turned to meet his gaze. “Nothing’s up, Min.”

“There it is. As coy as I expected,” Minho elbowed Chan’s ribs, earning a short laugh from him which was soon shooed. “Keep it low, the kids are sleeping.”

“Yeah,” Chan whispered. “Thank you for worrying about me,” he placed a grateful hand on Minho’s shoulder as he adjusted to rest properly against the backrest, only now aware of his previous slouched, tense position at the edge of the couch. “But I promise there’s nothing major going on. Just the usual stress that comes with being the leader of your chaotic asses,” that stole a sleepy smile out of Minho. “You really look like you’re about to fall asleep. Just go, Min.”

“Yeah, I waited ‘til they fell asleep,” as he spoke, his eyes were closing, head lolling to his side to finally find home on Jisung’s shoulder. “‘Cause I wan’ed to check on you.” his speech was slurred, and right after the last word, Chan can tell that he has fallen asleep. He smiles softly and weaves a hand through the sleeping man’s hair. He lets his head thump gently against the leathered couch and allows his eyes to fall shut.

“I’m okay.” The whispered words are long forgotten between snores and deep breaths, legs tangled together and arms around waists, and all thoughts of Lee Felix that were swimming about in Chan’s mind slowly move aside as nothingness takes over and he finally falls asleep.

-

As much as he would like, epiphanies like the one Bang Chan had don’t just vanish, and they’re only the tip of the iceberg.

One buries it down as deep as it can go, under piles and piles of distraction, alcohol, and what works best for Chan, uncountable hours of music production. As a leader, he has to be certain about his priorities, and right now, thoughts about freckles and lingering touches can wait. 

Previously, Chan believed that the whole Thinking About Felix deal would go away the moment he talked to him, because surprise! He actually confronted Felix.

He was honestly willing to push it aside and just let it be, but the situation presented itself, wrapped in sparkly red wrapping paper and topped off with a silky black ribbon. It happened so easily, so quickly and so unexpectedly, that it took Chan a while to believe it wasn’t just a hopeful scenario that took part in his dreams.

_“C’mon man! He was definitely using bots!” Felix yelled while shaking the phone in front of Chan, as if that would prove that this other player was cheating in any way. Chan laughed fondly._

_They were on the car on their way to give an interview for a magazine that was meant to be in pure english, which is why only the two of them were going._

_“That’s exactly what you said the last three times you died, Yongbokkie.” The nickname was spilled comfortably. Felix clicked his tongue and focused his gaze back on the phone, another round of Free Fire soon to begin._

_Silence surrounded them comfortably as Felix’s fingers worked fervently, trying to kill his targets._

_“Bokkie.”_

_It kind of just escaped Chan’s mouth. He knew where this was going, and he sort of didn’t want it to stop. He was aware of how his brain worked, and he really needed to just let this happen. Worst case scenario, he makes things awkward with his best friend._

_Actually, that sounded pretty scary._

_“Hm?” Felix didn’t let his eyes wander off the phone as skilled thumbs were hard at work. Chan noticed his tongue escapes his mouth just a little bit when he’s deep in concentration and he finds that utterly adorable._

_“Bokkie, do you have any problems with me?”_

_The reaction was instant._

_Felix snapped his head up and looked at Chan, shocked, confused. Chan seemed to be as calm as ever, and he was, oddly enough, feeling very relaxed. Gunshots were heard and the leader could see Felix’s avatar had died, but the boy in question didn’t seem to care at all, his undivided attention suddenly on Chan._

_“Why would you ever think that, hyung?” He sounded almost hurt, and it did things to Chan’s chest. He wanted to grab his tiny hands, but he didn’t make any moves to do so._

_“Well, remember not long ago, when we recorded One Kid’s Room?” He stopped for a second in which Felix nodded. “I know you haven’t seen yours, ‘cause we promised not to watch them, but the kids just kept saying you’re…” He needed to find the right words. “Very physically comfortable with them, right?” Felix lolled his head to the side, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. The image was almost too cute for Chan. “Yeah, well, you aren’t really touchy with me, so I was wondering, is there any reason why?”_

_Felix replied so quickly, too quickly. Chan hated that, actually._

_“Well hyung, you were never too comfortable with physical contact, so I just wait for you to initiate it in case you don’t actually want it,” Chan was about to retort but Felix didn’t allow him. “I know you well enough to be certain that even if you felt uncomfortable, you’d still keep your mouth shut, ‘cause you wouldn’t want to make me feel sad or uncomfortable. And I’d hate that. So, yeah. But I don’t have any problems with you!”_

Chan wanted to cry.

There was sunshine Felix, always thinking of others, always prioritizing other’s feelings. Precious Felix, so conscious of everyone’s needs and their emotions. Considerate Felix, ready to put desires aside if that meant someone else would feel more comfortable and at ease.

Chan wanted to cry, because that made Felix so _pretty._

As in, pretty person, you know. Pretty friend. Pretty personality. Chan doesn’t think any man is pretty. Chan, most specifically, does not think Lee Felix is pretty _at all_. Well, he can admit to it objectively. STAY say Felix is pretty right? So Felix has to be pretty. You know, that’s kind of obvious to the human eyes. He can admit that Felix is pretty without it meaning that he has Any Type of unresolved feelings towards him. 

That’s it. To Chan, Felix is objectively pretty. And has a pretty personality. 

And pretty freckles. That’s all. That doesn’t mean anything. He’s just stating facts.

Either way, they talked it out. Chan said he’s grown out of the ‘touching my bandmates makes me feel awkward’ phase and promised to voice out his feelings and needs, to let Felix know if he ever needed space or didn’t want physical contact. Felix said he’ll now act as clingy as he does with the rest of the group, and, just like that, everything was resolved.

Later on, Chan notices he kind of didn’t take into account what that _really_ meant. 

Of course Chan loves himself a lapful of Jeongin, and he makes sure to leave kisses on his nape, making sure to take a good sniff of his green-apple-smelling hair. Yeah, Chan often holds hands with Hyunjin as they wander around the company’s hallways on their way to the practice room or the studio and he can’t fool anyone: he loves it when Jisung peppers kisses all around his face. 

But man, does Chan absolutely lose it every _damn_ time Felix decides to be touchy with him.

He tells himself it’s obviously because he isn’t used to getting attention from him, so of course at the beginning every touch is heightened and leaves his skin prickling, burning for more. Felix’s - honest to god infant sized - hands fit perfectly under the gentle grip of Chan’s. He can’t bear the adorable sight of Felix rubbing his cheek against his not so soft tummy every time he uses it like a pillow, his skin jolting as he does so. He finds Felix’s smell heavenly and often allows himself to bury his nose in the conjunction of his neck and shoulder, inhaling deeply. When Felix straddles his thighs and hugs him tight, curling himself on Chan’s lap, the leader fears his heartbeat is so loud that it’s openly audible for anyone to hear. When Felix traces Chan’s chest as they lay on the top bunk of Chan and Changbin’s room, he fears he will notice the goosebumps that his dancing fingertips leave in their wake. 

And when they start falling asleep curled into one another (which is a very common imagery around the dorm, the boys are often in need of cuddles to conceal proper sleep), what Chan fears the most, is waking up before Felix.

See, waking up _after_ Felix is, strategically, the smartest move Chan can master. 

Waking up before Felix means watching him sleep. On the same bed. Next to him. 

Yes, Chan is pretty familiar with the image of Felix’s lashes making very gentle contact with his high cheekbones. Yes, Chan knows by now how plushy and pouty his pink lips look while he sleeps. Yes, Chan has seen Felix frown in his sleep many times.

But next to him? On his own bed? Curled around him? 

One thing is to have a Lee Felix wrapped around you when the lights are off. Chan is braver. Chan can allow his timid hands to hold on tighter. Chan can wish to never let go, because the lights are off and he can brush it off as sleep habits.

But opening his eyes and seeing pretty (yes, he’s established calling Felix pretty is okay because, as stated before, there’s nothing wrong with recognizing objective beauty) Yongbok under the dim morning light, breath fanning his neck? Yeah, like hell he’s gonna let that happen. 

So for now, he sticks to waking up after Felix.

And also saying no homo every single time.

Okay, in Chan’s defense, that last part was a mere _accident._

It just happened the first time Chan woke up to a very puffy and just awakened Felix next to him. 

“Mornin’, hyung.”

The reaction was pretty fast.

Chan quite literally jumped off the bed, a loud thump echoing around the room as a result of his fall. Thank God he’s used to the pain that comes with it; sleeping on the top bunk leaves behind many war injuries.

He managed to laugh it off, a hand scratching his neck as he stood on the floor and looked up at Felix to say good morning back.

But then he saw it.

He thinks his heart actually stopped beating. No, scratch that, he’s _sure_ his heart stopped beating and his brain shortcut and his lungs collapsed and he’s sure he can’t live anymore. And Felix’s head is resting _oh so delicately_ on the palm of his left hand and his elbow is slightly swallowed by the sinking mattress. 

And a _single strand of pink hair_ , standing tall. An adorning smile as the side dish.

Chan swears to god he cannot move. He just can’t. Because Felix is there, on his bed, blankets messy around him, a single strand of washed pink hair standing, smiling down at him. The morning light, God, _fuck_ the morning light that does wonders to heighten Felix’s milky skin that’s peppered with mismatched freckles, and if his eyes are not fucking with him right now, the boy on his bed is literally glowing.

He looks so pretty. 

He’s so pretty Chan’s chest feels tight and he forgets how to Human because how does one man, a _male_ , look so ethereal. Chan wants to climb up the _stupid_ steps of the _stupid_ ladder that leads him to the _stupid_ top bunk and break all _stupid_ distance between him and Felix and he wants to touch. He wants to touch so badly. He wants to run his hands along the sea that is Felix’s soft skin and he wants them to be so close that no one can tell where one begins and where the other ends and he wants to kis-

“Earth to Chan hyung, copy?”

And here is where Chan swears on his mother, father, on his whole family, on his own life, even on Berry, that his mouth took over and it seems like the words did _not_ run by his brain.

“No homo.”

Chan, at the time, would have appreciated it if the earth had decided right then and there to split in half and swallow him whole. Which clearly, considering Chan’s luck, did not happen. 

Instead, he was blessed with the prettiest sound his ears have ever heard: Felix’s loud, high pitched, hearty laugh, which of course he’s heard endless times before but under the morning light, on Chan’s bed, _a single strand of pink hair standing tall_ , somehow, the sound that leaves Felix’s mouth is instantly Chan’s favorite.

Which is why the next time he woke up to a sleepy Felix and climbed down the wobbly ladder, helping him come down as well, he said it again. Just to hear Felix’s laugh.

No, wait, he’s absolutely _not_ doing it _only_ because he wants to hear it for hours on end. This is not something he does out of pure egoism. No, that’s not it. He’s just doing it for the benefit of his member! Taking care of Felix as he should. A happy member means easier and shorter schedules. That’s the whole point.

So for now, and repeating it once again just to keep it clear, he sticks to waking up after Felix. And also saying no homo every single time.

For a while, things work out perfectly for Bang Chan. The tightness in his chest remains, though (alongside countless butterflies that pop up and make themselves home in Chan’s tummy every time Felix presses tighter, as if they were in their natural habitat), and he’s quick to snap during sleepless nights of production (which no one really questions, it’s not rare coming from their leader), but other than that, he can’t complain much. He and Felix wordlessly set some sort of routine and tend to fall asleep tangled around each other more often than not, Chan growing used to Felix’s incinerating warmth and Felix finding Chan’s snores to be his new go-to lullaby. Chan’s thoughts still go wild everytime they’re around each other, but he soon realizes he’s really, _really_ good at coming up with justifications for those intrusive thoughts. 

As Jisung once said during dinner, “STAY is the answer to everything.”

Of course everyone had laughed it off at the time, but actually, Chan could kiss Jisung right now for that phrase alone. 

Find Felix’s voice hypnotizing? That’s alright, because STAY does too, and their fans know better.Find yourself burning with desire to run your hands through Felix’s fluffy hair every chance you get? You’re doing it for STAY. If STAY could, they’d definitely have their hands all over Felix’s cotton candy hair. Taking sniffs of Felix’s incomparable smell? STAYs that had the luck of meeting them have commented a million times on how _godly_ he smells, and Chan can only agree. Look at Felix’s freckles as if they were the stars hung up in the sky? I mean, Chan has seen STAYs all over Twitter drawing constellations on Felix’s freckles - so if STAY thinks they’re like little stars shining on the galaxy that is Felix’s face, then of course he agrees!

Want to know what Felix’s lips feel against yours? Well-

Well… Good thing Chan is 100% _not_ wondering about that! It didn’t even cross his mind once. Because he does not want to kiss Felix, and he does not want to kiss any men for that matter. 

When it comes down to this train of thoughts, Chan sometimes feels the urge to ask Felix what it is like to be attracted to your own gender. However, he’s scared he might hear answers he doesn’t want to acknowledge, so he refrains from asking. Felix is the only bisexual person Chan knows, and it’s never bothered him. In fact, he barely remembers this fact about Felix. It’s okay if other men like men! It wouldn’t be too much fun if _he_ liked men, though. 

So he just doesn’t. Like men, that is. At all.

Maybe things didn’t work out as perfectly as Chan thought, but they worked pretty well.

However, every good thing has its mighty fall. 

And Chan’s happened to be on one cruel, cruel night. As he calls it, June’s Coldest Night. 

Jisung was starting to have some trouble sleeping at night. To begin with, more nights than not, the group takes turns cuddling Jisung to sleep. He has a pretty hard time falling asleep if not, and being held used to be more than enough to get him into dreamland. For a long while, he chose Changbin and Seungmin as his targets (which explains Changbin’s absence in his shared room with Chan), and the three got used to cuddling to sleep because, “Two is way better than one!”, as Jisung had explained during breakfast one morning. Unfortunately though, something was setting Jisung off, and he started to toss and turn around too much, losing more and more sleep every night. Seungmin’s gone as far as softly singing for him, and even if it worked for some days, it ended up still not being enough to put Jisung to sleep. It obviously didn’t help that they were in the middle of promotions for God’s Menu, and the lack of rest Jisung was running on was starting to affect his performance.

Here’s where sweet, precious, caring, considerate Felix comes in, and allows Jisung to cuddle him one afternoon at the waiting room, in between shows. Jisung sleeps like a log. Nothing and almost no one can wake him up. The sight is so cute Chan could print it on the back of his eyelids; he even takes a picture and posts it on Instagram for STAYs to see and coo over, because that will somehow justify him cooing over the two sleeping boys. 

See, everyone’s happy! 

_Until_ they get back to the dorm and Jisung asks Felix to cuddle him to sleep, to which he answers positively without hesitation, without even chanting a glance at Chan, without even checking on how he would feel, all alone on his bed.

So that’s how we find Chan, eyes stuck on the ceiling above him as he lays awake on his bed, trying to understand _why the fuck_ does it hurt this badly when Felix isn’t there next to him, and how is it this cold when we’re a few days into summer?

He tries, he really tries to make himself believe it’s just routine, it’s only that he got used to Felix’s inviting warmth and Felix’s short arms holding on tightly and Felix’s breaths filling the silent room. 

But, breaking news: this once, he knows it’s a bit more than that. He’s not ready to accept it yet, of course, so he swallows it down.

He had to wear an extra pair of socks and a hoodie to bed, not mentioning the extra blankets. Even so, he couldn’t sleep a wink. Which is fine, really, he’s used to it. Everything is perfectly fine. 

Once the sun is already up, he sits forward on his bed and moves to climb down the ladder as quick as he could. He’s always loved the feeling of his soft bed against his back, but today he _despises_ it. He’d rather sleep on top of spikes.

He would’ve loved to be the only one awake in the dorm but of course, once again, the world decides to go against his wishes. Don’t get him wrong, he doesn’t mind sharing breakfast with his members, in fact, he usually loves the company. 

He just really hates the way Minho is looking at him right now.

Minho somehow knows Everything. With a capital E. He’s aware of everything the rest of the group are thinking of or going through. He has like a sixth sense when it comes to Stray Kids’ individual well-being and always knows how to deal with their issues. Chan often thinks Minho should’ve been the leader because, let’s be honest, he’s pretty oblivious to most things. If anyone wants Chan to know something, they have to communicate it verbally to him, or it will quite literally pass by him. As sucky as envy is, Chan feels it often when it comes to Minho’s capacity to treat the members. 

Minho knows he has to let Changbin, Felix and Jeongin find him and talk about whatever is bothering them. He leaves them to themselves and once they’ve figured out exactly what it is that’s clouding their days, they approach him to discuss it and he listens attentively. When it comes to Hyunjin, he just waits for the boy to burst at him - he’s usually very talkative about how he feels. Jisung and Seungmin he has to do a little more work for, engaging with them in deep, serious conversations until they both just let go. Chan pictures he’s the hardest to get, because he notices Minho’s frustration every time he tries to find ways to get the leader to open up.

So naturally, when Chan meets those questioning eyes and he notices Minho is sporting _that look_ he’s grown to hate even more than his computer crashing in the middle of a spur of inspiration while he’s producing, he lets out a defeating sigh and sits down on the chair in front of Minho, mentally preparing for what’s coming. Thankfully, Minho is kind enough to give him time to pour himself a bowl of cereal and milk, which were already set at the table, as if Minho was anticipating this moment.

Once the last spoon of cereal goes into his mouth, it begins.

“You didn’t sleep last night.”

“Is it that obvious,” Chan speaks around the food in his mouth, and it’s not in the form of a question. Also, for a man who constantly asks his members to have manners, he sure isn’t following suit right now, chewing in between words, but he can’t bring himself to care.

“You don’t exactly look like Prince Charming when you don’t sleep. It’s noticeable.”

“I never look like Prince Charming, though,” 

“You’re right. But you get my point, you look like utter shit,” Minho flailed his hand around and rolled his eyes, frustration getting the best of him. Chan smirked. “So, what is it? Last time we talked was at the beginning of the year and you didn’t really open up. I decided to let you be for a while, but you’re definitely talking now.”

“It’s not like me not sleeping is such a rare thing, Minho,” Chan was growing a bit frustrated too.

“You and I both know it’s not only that. I notice your hands shake a little and your neck must hurt because of how stiff you are,” he speaks confidently, knowing he’s stating facts. “Brush it off as stress and I’ll actually stick to you like a flea,” his demeanor changes to a threatening one. “I’ll sit next to you, I’ll sleep next to you, I’ll produce with you. Hell, I’ll even shower with you if-”

“Woah, woah, okay there,” Chan put his hands up in defeat. “You got me. There _is_ some stuff on my mind.”

Minho stays silent to let Chan speak, and here’s where his mind starts to run.

Obviously he can’t be brutally honest and tell Minho that the reason why he didn’t sleep was because Felix wasn’t sharing the bed with him. That’d be dumb. Minho would think that’s dumb and not very heterosexual, because Chan can see people thinking that way. Which isn’t the case, of course! But Minho wouldn’t understand. He can’t say it’s stress, not after Minho’s threats. He can’t say he’s having issues with a song, because he’s sure Minho would move sky and earth to try and solve it. 

His mind was running out of ideas faster than greased lightning when his mouth decided to take over, and just like it happened many times before, there was _no_ way that could go well. 

“I’m just horny!” Of course he _had_ to yell it.

He’s so surprised when he hears his own voice. His cheeks are quick to turn a crimson red, brighter than the hairspray the stylists used on him for Top’s music video. Minho seems barely unfazed, a sly smirk making its way to his mouth being the only hint that yes, he caught that. For some wicked reason, Chan can’t leave it there. Maybe he’s a masochist?

“I… Yeah, man, I’m horny,” for what felt like the millionth time that day, which _just_ started, he sighs in defeat. “Haven’t gotten laid since last year, you know?” He makes a move to pour himself a glass of milk to focus his body and brain on something else than the fact that this conversation is Actually Happening.

“I mean, you can fuck me if you need it that much,” Minho retorts teasingly.

Cue to all Bang Chan brain cells dying.

“ _No!”_ He’s so quick to answer and stand up, too quick for it to seem like a natural reaction, and he shakes his hands frantically, but he can’t stop his tongue from moving. “I mean, no, no I don’t really need it,” he shakes his head rapidly. “I mean I don’t- I don’t swing that way,” his eyes meet with Minho’s amused ones and he lets his hands drop at his sides and looks down. He takes a deep breath and sits on his chair again, bringing it closer to the table. Defeat is something he knows like the palm of his hand by now, and it’s a feeling that makes itself present one time too many when talking to Minho. He hugs his empty bowl of cereal protectively, feeling sulky. The scenery fills Minho with amusement. 

“Relax, Captain,” Minho giggles. “I was just joking. Either way, it’s free day today,” Chan takes a sip of his milk as Minho gets up and grabs his phone, tucking the chair in and leaning on it. “Treat yourself,” he whispers while looking at Chan and proceeds to wink.

And yes, Chan chokes on his milk and yes, Minho leaves the scene with a way too loud and evil sounding laugh. 

-

Chan actually considers Minho’s implication. 

He was almost home alone by now. Most of the members did what every rational person would do: they took advantage of this Saint day to go out and unwind. So was the case of Hyunjin, Jeongin and Felix, who chose to spend their day at an amusement park. This turned out to be actual hell for Chan - the obscene amount of content of smiley Felix jumping around the amusement park was filling his phone’s memory, and he hates that he wouldn’t have it any other way. Seungmin met up with school friends and is probably somewhere out there drinking and de-stressing. Jisung left the dorm with their manager, most likely spending a nice day out with him (Stray Kids and their managers have a very sweet relationship which Chan is ultimately proud of).

In conclusion, the house was almost entirely empty - except for the two little devils dancing in the living room. Apparently, Minho had nowhere to go to today and convinced Changbin to hang out with him at the dorm. Somehow got him to dance, too. To Abba. 

Oh don’t worry, Chan is judging their music choice.

Dancing Queen (him recognizing the songs doesn’t mean anything, okay?) echoes subtly inside the four walls of Chan’s room despite his door being closed. He just finds it hilarious how Minho suggested him to ‘treat himself’ and then proceeded to _colonize_ the dorm alongside his wingman, Seo Changbin. At this point, the only thing Chan could do was hope their main rapper, A Soju Enthusiast, would drag Minho out of there and into the busy streets of Seoul, in the hunt of a nice bar to sit at and get wasted together - even if it was barely six in the afternoon; that man appreciates getting thrashed at any hour. 

Chan’s wish, again, is anything but granted.

As soon as he heard the three knocks on the door, he knew he was doomed. This was the reverse of good. This was fully bad. 

The person on the other side of the door - Changbin, of course - didn’t give him any time to reply as he opened the door, not even sparing a glance at him, eyes trained on his phone as he scrolled through something.

“Hyung, we are going to Starbucks, come with.”

He left, still fully immersed in his phone and leaving the door wide open behind him.

After some frozen seconds, Chan sighs and gets up. God bless him for being this patient.

-

“So they think _you_ are the one who sings after me?” 

“They do.”

“That’s bullshit! Do they seriously not recognize my voice?” The upset tone Changbin used made Chan and Minho laugh.

They had arrived at the worldwide known coffee shop and ordered quickly: iced americano for Minho, plain black coffee for Changbin and a hot chocolate for Chan, who doesn’t drink coffee. Once seated and after some silent sips, Chan had informed them about the Phobia dispute: only some days after the release of Go Live, STAYs all over twitter were discussing who was singing the bridge and in what order, most saying it was Minho then Chan then Felix - but it’ll blow their minds when they find out the voice after Minho’s belongs to one of their main rappers, Changbin, who has proven many times to have sweet and passionate vocals that Chan thought fitting for the song’s bridge. Even if Changbin had pretended to be upset about it, it really wasn’t something that got under his skin - he knows STAY will start to recognize his singing voice now that he’s starting to unveil it. 

“I’ll let them keep wondering for a while, it’s fun,” Chan said with a fond smile on his face before taking a sip of his hot chocolate. Changbin returned to his phone with a smirk and Minho seemed to be lost inside his head. “I’ll just bring it up in a Chan’s room someday.” 

After that, silence overtook them again. 

Chan was actually glad he came despite it being a bother at the time. Maybe this wasn’t his plan for the day but their company had proved to be calming and distracting enough to keep his mind at bay from freckles and cold beds, which was exactly what he needed at the moment. No matter how much Minho harassed him about his personal issues, he knows it’s just his way of caring and protecting him, and he can admit he does give Minho a hard time when he’s trying to pry for answers. It’s moments like this one that help him realize how immensely grateful he is for Minho’s essence and support that in spite of his constant nagging he could never hate him.

“Oh hey Binnie,” Chan looked up to see Minho’s gaze on him with a smirk, a sneaky glint to his eyes that made him suddenly tremble. Changbin just hummed in reply, too busy scrolling through presumably Instagram, as always. “You know what happened this morning? I offered hyung to fuck me and he absolutely _lost_ it!”

Okay, maybe Chan actually hates Minho to the core.

But he’ll grow to hate (and love, and be saved by) the upcoming words that are on the tip of Changbin’s tongue.

“Channie hyung, that’s pretty gay of you.”

Oh.

_Oh._

It sort of clicks. This loud clicking sound echoes in Chan’s mind and it’s been literally in front of his eyes this whole time and it’s so obvious and it makes so much sense and _why_ couldn’t he just admit that he might like guys and _why_ can’t he just accept that that must be the answer to the butterflies fluttering in his stomach and _why_ didn’t he bring this up to Minho and _why the fuck_ did Changbin take away his right of finding the answer himself it’s not _fucking_ fair this shouldn’t be-

“Hyung? Are you okay?” 

It sounds so far away yet Minho’s face is right there and the teasing smile is disappearing as concern takes over his godly features and Chan wants to yell and cry and pull his hair because it’s been there _all this time_ , right under his fingertips and No, He’s Not Okay.

He’s not and he hasn’t been in so long because boys _exist_ and they’re clingy and have freckles and the most beautiful accent when they speak _both_ korean and english and they’ve found interest in cooking and baking which c’mon! Who gave them the right to be that fucking adorable? Seriously, how the fuck can he be okay when deep voiced but very, very _small_ boys are out there and they like to play League of Legends even though they kind of know they aren’t the absolute best at it and they smile so wide and call themselves sunshine? Would _you_ be okay if you had such a fragile, sweet boy in your arms every single night that seems to sleep as peacefully as a newborn in the arms of their mother, blessed by the vibration of her voice and rhythmic heartbeat, and they look at you like you’re the best thing that’s happened to their morning every time you decide to say some dumb shit phrase like _no homo_?

Oh. 

“I like Felix?”

Yup, out of everything, _that’s_ what he said that out loud.

That takes him out of his trance. He looks between Changbin and Minho desperately. He feels like a lost child in a gigantic supermarket and he’s conflicted and in anguish and needs guidance like, _right now_ , needs acceptance and a hug and maybe a kiss on the forehead. 

Instead, he wills himself to breathe and apparently he’s broken Minho because he’s simply not moving or talking or even blinking. Only now he’s aware of the incredibly heavy weight that has been lifted off of his shoulders and it feels fresh. He takes a sip of his hot chocolate, which, bad idea because,

“Oh?” As if nothing relevant was said at all, he watches as he finally drags his gaze out of his precious phone and focuses on him for a short second, carelessness written all over his features. “Yeah, we know that, hyung. It’s pretty obvious.”

Cue disaster - hot chocolate spilled, a wild Bang Chan choking, cough attacks, laughs (not coming from Chan, obviously, he was quite literally dying) and backpats followed.

“What do you mean it’s obvious?! It’s obvious?!” Eyes wider than eggs, he says with a voice that feels very foreign to him.

“Well, yeah,” Changbin continued. He had pulled his little individual leather couch closer to Chan and rubbed his back soothingly as he kept scrolling through that _attention hogger_ of a phone. “You always were more affectionate to him, in your own way. Also, you seemed so hurt when we said he was really clingy with everyone, during One Kid’s Room, remember? So I just figured, you know. I just kept a more attentive eye on you, that’s all.”

It felt like it happened ages ago. Chan had actually kind of forgotten that was the way it all started, but now he understands: he’s always wanted Felix’s attention. He’s always wanted to touch and even if it felt natural with the rest of the members it’s always been a whole different topic when it came to Felix and he hates how everything just _keeps making sense_ when it shouldn’t because he shouldn’t like a man and he shouldn’t like his bandmate and he shouldn’t like Lee Felix and he wants to scrawl out of his skin so badly.

“It’s okay, hyung. I like Jisung.”

As if a whole bucket of freezing water just hit his face. Like, really hard. He can’t tell if he feels like he can finally breathe or if he’s finally drowning.

“You do?” Changbin. Who _now_ puts his phone down and _now_ sounds surprised, what the fuck!

Minho’s hum in reply is eerily calm. “Have for a while,” he returned his attention to Chan. “Hyung, I know what’s probably going through your head. Actually, I feel so dumb because, and you’ll be happy to hear, I never even considered you liking Felix or any other member for that matter,” he blinks very slowly and smiles softly. Chan is just speechless and Changbin is hearing attentively. “If I noticed, I would’ve helped. It all really makes sense now.”

“I just, I’m really… confused? Scared? Incorrect. Clueless,” Chan broke his silent spell and tried to explain.

“Since when do you like Jisung, hyung?”

“It’s been about a year, I’d say,” he took his last sip of iced americano and left the empty cup on the table, movements slow and calculated. “At first I wasn’t sure whether it was just favoritism for him or actual feelings. I tried really hard to justify myself every time I wanted to be closer to him, cuddle him, or simply spend more time with him than with the rest of you - no offense,” he put his hands up in defense and let a little laugh escape his lips, trying to light up such a serious confession, but the two boys in front of him were so invested in the story the action pretty much passed by them. He sighed. “It’s not easy to accept something that seems so life-changing. We’ve always known things to be a certain way, and it’s pretty unsettling when we go against it, even more so when it’s not even on purpose and just the way we were born. I know how much it’ll help you to know that you’re not alone in this and let me surprise you: you’ve actually _never_ been alone in this, hyung. I wish you would’ve trusted me enough to tell me.”

“It’s not even a matter of trust, Min,” Chan was quick to reassure. He felt so good and light and free and understood and he wanted everyone to feel okay and hold hands and run around in a prairie together but he was also really scared and wanted to hide under a rock. “I just couldn’t allow myself to accept it, I guess?” He looked confused in a somewhat cute way. “It feels like… like this is a piece of knowledge that I had already swallowed. Just hadn’t digested it yet. There’s just- It’s still scary, though. I mean, I don’t think I’m,” he has to take a pause because he’s never _ever_ said this word when describing himself and it feels like a new beginning, a fresh start. “Gay. I don’t think I’m gay. I still like girls and I’ve always liked them, I’m pretty sure.”

“So, bisexual! Like Lixie. Like me, too.” Changbin pressed a hand to his chest. Chan had no idea about Changbin, but to be honest, the news didn't surprise him at all and it seems like they did not move a hair on Minho’s body either; the confession passed by as if they knew already, and maybe they kind of did. “But hyung, does Jisung know you like him?” The attention drifts again to Minho.

“Yeah.”

They look expectant. “And?” 

“Well, he knows. That’s it. He’s not sure he has any romantic feelings towards me, so it just stayed there, you know? I told him, he knows, we moved on.”

“Wait, what?” This was the most reactive Changbin’s been during the whole afternoon.

“Are you deaf?” Minho replied with a funny giggle. He seemed so unfazed by Jisung’s rejection and it blew Chan’s mind. “Seriously, I don’t mind. I feel well knowing he’s aware of my feelings. He’s my best friend and soulmate before anything. It doesn’t hurt and it isn’t awful and I don’t cry myself to sleep every night. The feelings don’t go away but I’m not stupid - if I was in pain, I would’ve taken my space from Sung.”

Chan was trying to comprehend what Minho meant because really, how could he be okay with that? It was almost impossible in his mind, to ever be fine knowing the person you like doesn’t feel that way - but then he realized. If he ever were to tell Felix about his feelings, would he be hurt if they weren’t reciprocated? He tries so hard to picture himself hurting, unbearable pain caused by cold, everlasting rejection… yet the imagery never comes to mind. He wouldn’t be sad, not when sunshine Felix is happy and well and is everything he ever wanted and everything he _has_ . Because he _has_ Felix, and they’re best friends before they are anything else and to Chan, that’s more than enough.

So actually, Chan understands, and he says that much. Changbin nods along, too.

That evening they leave the busy Starbucks and walk back to the dorm in comfortable silence, drunk on adrenaline from voicing out buried secrets. 

Chan smiles so bright and has been smiling for so long that his cheeks were starting to hurt.

This is what freedom feels like. Bubbly, fresh, spacious and overwhelming.

-

Sleeping next to the boy that now you can freely admit to yourself that you _like_ is as much of a reward as it is a punishment. 

This night, Felix’s head rests on Chan’s chest as he hugs his waist, legs tangled together. Chan has a protective arm around his shoulders.

There’s no way Felix can’t hear his running heartbeat.

After the course of some minutes, Chan accepts Felix is _very_ aware of his speedy heart. It’s not like it’s a new occurrence: the organ has always betrayed him. His body has always reacted to him, and he’s grateful that Felix hasn’t uttered a word about it. Maybe, at this point, he thinks that’s his natural heart rate. 

Chan takes a deep breath. Felix is sound asleep.

He lowers his head enough to bury his nose in Felix’s hair and sniffs. He’s always thought Felix’s smell was indescribable, but this once, he looks for scents that he can compare it to. Vanilla and cotton candy are the only ones that pop up in his brain: he just smells so sweet, almost too sweet, just like his personality. After he showers, soap and coconut shampoo mix in. Right after practice, the smell of sweat takes over, but even then he still manages to smell _sweet._

Sweet, _sweet_ Lee Felix.

His hands unconsciously tighten around Felix, who slightly stirs. The smile that creeps on Chan’s face is unstoppable; so are the butterflies dancing in his stomach. This is everything he needs. This moment is the oxygen in his lungs and the blood running in his veins. Yongbok is the perfect day in spring and the satisfying crunch under your boots when you step on leaves in autumn and downing a freezing milkshake under the burning sun in summer and drinking a cup of hot, sugary tea in winter. He is like going on a roller coaster and feeling so nauseous you might as well throw up but not even the hard-hitting air that crashes against your face can erase that big smile stuck on your face. He is like taking a long, warm bath, surrounded by candles and covered in bubbles, not really worrying about washing up but simply taking the time to feel each one of your muscles take a breather, silence so loud even a scream would be comforting. 

Lee Felix is _everything_ and he takes over all Chan’s senses. It’s as thrilling as it is relaxing and Chan feels like he could stay up all night, high on the feeling of having the boy he _likes_ wrapped around him. Sleep overtakes him before he can even try to, though, and his eyes close softly.

-

To Felix’s surprise, the first thing he sees in the morning are Chan’s eyes looking back at him. And then Chan’s (almost too fond for Felix to handle) smile.

It makes his breath hitch. This is definitely a first: every morning he was used to waking up and watching Chan sleep. It was sort of therapeutic to him. Seeing their leader resting peacefully is, single handedly, the best moment of his day, and when he commented this to the rest of the group, they had all agreed instantly. It’s such a rare sight that whenever it happens, one must take advantage of it.

Yet this time Chan is awake before him.

Felix isn’t sure if he likes this better, but before he can dwell on it, the man in front of him talks.

“Good morning, Bokkie.”

“Morning, hyung. Why are you up so early?”

Chan’s smile grew impossibly wider. He shrugged. The fact that he hasn’t jumped off the bed yet genuinely surprises Felix. For a while he thought Chan did it to make him laugh first thing in the morning, as a way to start their days with a smile, but later on he realized Chan might actually really mean it every time he runs from a loving morning like this one and every time he says _no homo_ . He knows Chan isn’t disgusted by him and that he’s okay with cuddling, and of course he’d like to spend his mornings swimming in Chan’s sheets, surrounded by _Chan Chan Chan_ , but he wasn’t about to push him to stay if he didn’t want to. After all, the now inside joke really does make him laugh and sets him in a good mood for the day.

But today was completely different, and he still can’t tell what he likes better.

Felix squirmed under Chan’s fond, loving and caring gaze. As soon as he felt his cheeks heat up, he squeaked and hid in Chan’s neck, whose owner just laughed kindly and held him impossibly closer and tighter, breathing calm and heart beating at what Felix gathered was his usual fast rate. By now, Felix was half on top of Chan, right leg hugging his waist.

They stayed like that for a while.

Just when he felt his eyelids heavy again, the door to the room creaked open. They didn’t even attempt to move.

“Get up boys. You have a schedule in two hours, you should have breakfast and then we’ll take you to get your makeup and hair done,” the voice of their manager sounded a little too loud in Felix’s ears.

“Okay, hyung. We’ll go in a sec. Leave the door open, please,” Chan replied for the both of them. 

Felix heard the steps of his manager as he went away and groaned against Chan’s neck, who laughed and rubbed his back in response.

“C’mon Bokkie. We don’t wanna be late, hm?” Chan said as he removed Felix slowly and sat up to stretch. Felix looked at him lazily, still too tired to make any moves. He just wanted to figure out why Chan looked so happy and at peace. It made his heart beat harder. Said man looked back at Felix with a steadily growing smile, and he didn’t know if he should feel scared, thrilled or happy when he started to lean in slowly.

Felix stopped breathing and shut his eyes close when he felt a big hand on his waist and cold, crusty lips on his forehead.

“C’mon Bokkie,” Chan said again, voice only above a whisper, finally moving the sheets off of his lap and going down the ladder. Felix was still a bit shocked by Chan’s moves but brushed them off as part of a clingy morning. He took Chan’s helping hand as he went down the ladder.

“Hey hyung,” he spoke once he was steady on the floor and in front of his leader. “No homo, right?” He teasingly punched his stomach.

Chan pretended to double in pain for a second but then straightened and looked back at him with that _stupid_ fond look of his.

“Actually? Yes, homo.”

And, quicker than lightning, cold, crusty lips left a tingling sensation against Felix’s _cheek._ His cheek!!! Right on one of his many freckles, too. Chan had pecked _a freckle_ on _his cheek_ in the morning after saying _yes homo_ , after waking up before him, after holding onto him so tight he could hardly breathe, after kissing his forehead. 

Felix has absolutely no clue what the _hell_ is going on anymore.

“Let’s go have some brekkie, shall we?” Chan didn’t even let him reply as he wrapped his _unnecessarily, stupidly pretty_ big hand around his own and groggily dragged him out of the room, carrying blushy Lee Felix to the living room where the intoxicating smell of pancakes filled the room and made everyone’s mouths water.

To Felix, Chan’s cologne was stronger than the smell of pancakes, almost overwhelming, and the need to kiss him silly was way worse than a rumbling stomach.

To Chan, he doesn’t care. 

He has Felix. 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Find me on twitter at [ontravk](https://twitter.com/ontravk) if you'd like! (I tweet mostly in spanish)
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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